Real Housewives: Product Placement

Bravotv.com

I always wonder how our beloved Real Housewives became so oblivious. They actually mean it when they say "I wanted a platform to promote my cause/business/charity/product/etc." Every person on this planet knows that the only thing taking center stage on the Real Housewives of "Wherever" is the drama... except, apparently, the Housewives themselves.

In a post-Bethenny world, Real Housewives all over the nation seem to think that they too can become multi-million dollar tycoons or philanthropists. Seeing business meetings and infomercial-like interviews about their businesses or charities is now par for the course and it's confusing.

Take Moron of the Day  -- or actually Year (yes, all "265" days of it!) -- Porsha Stewart who made a tragic appearance on the Wendy Williams show. Wendy asked why she would do such a "drama-filled show" given her family's prestigious legacy (her grandfather is Hosea Williams). Her response: "For me, it was important... to be able to have this platform, for me to express what's important to me, and that's my family's foundation: Hosea Feed the Hungry and Homeless. I thought, hey, this can take it nationally. So that's what I decided to use it for."

I searched Porsha Stewart on Google News, and among the headlines were "Kenya Moore and Porsha Stewart's Fight Escalates in Anguilla," (my favorite) "Porsha Stewart has Video Vixen Past," and "Porsha Stewart says Kenya Moore is Envious." Her family's foundation is, unsurprisingly, absent from all the headlines, and it comes as no surprise that it has taken a backseat to the drama that keeps ratings high. I know, Porsha is only one Housewife, and given her penchant for stupid, it's really not a surprise that she didn't think that response through... but Portia isn't the only one suffering from delusion.

Kathy Wakile really thinks we care about her "Dolci Della Dea" Cannoli Kits; Teresa Giudice truly believes that we're bursting through doors to buy Milania Hair Care products (which, by the way, she named after her daughter. How low-rent...); Alexis Bellino assures us that Alexis Couture will be the next Marc Jacobs; Sonja Morgan won't stop talking about a toaster that hasn't even hit shelves yet.

News flash ladies: We don't care! All the products that these women try to hawk are just novelty products with shelf lives -- as soon as the show ends so will the purchases (if they're even being purchased now). In 30-40 years, people are still gonna be drinking Dom Pérignon and Moët, but Ramona Pinot Grigio will be forgotten. 

So why do these women really think they're establishing legitimate brands by joining this show? The only explanation I can think of is because Bethenny turned Skinny Girl into a 128 million dollar business, but she was a diamond among cubic zirconias. It won't happen again. 

What happened to the good old days, when the housewives did the show for the money and fame? Is that any more commendable? Ehh, but it was authentic and realistic. Watching the Housewives talk about their business lives and their array of products has become nauseating. I wish the women would stop trying to be Richard Branson and Martha Stewart* -- leave the innovating and business managing to the ones who know how to do it!


*Take note ladies: You would never see Martha Stewart or Richard Branson throwing drinks and exchanging blows.... 

Heather Thomson Hates Your Penis

Real Housewife Heather Thomson

Male Circumcision:  It’s a polarizing and controversial subject that, no matter what side of the debate one lies on (I won't disclose my feelings), holds a lot of cultural, social, and religious value. But what exactly does foreskin removal have to do with Real Housewives of New York’s Heather Thomson? 

On the September 17th episode, viewers were treated to a bar-side conversation (that was absolutely not cliché) between cast members Heather Thomson and Carole Radziwill about Penises. Viewers got to watch Heather behave like a High-School Sophomore, and reduce this hot-button issue into a matter of superficiality.

"It looks great when you're 25!"

It's perplexing that a woman whose job is all about “making women look and feel their best. Holla!” had no problem insinuating that male genitalia, in its natural state, is ugly or disgusting. She’s like a Starburst Commercial.

Obviously, Heather is entitled to her own opinion, but, given that only about 30% of the global male population  is circumcised, it is nothing short of irresponsible to speak so casually and negatively about the penises of the other 70%. Also interesting is the contrast between our attitudes regarding male and female circumcision/genitalia. You would never see such a flippant conversation about Vaginas on TV like this one... well, maybe in the U.S.

I found the whole scene cringe-worthy, but not many viewers seem to have noticed... Maybe because the clip was really short, or maybe because Aviva “The Diva” Drescher was ten times more annoying...

Poor 'Vivs

Either way, I think it’s important to begin feeling comfortable discussing the human body, but in an educated, productive way (and without the cameras?). This scene, unfortunately, serves as a painful reminder that Heather Thomson doesn’t like 70% of the world’s penises some of us haven't outgrown these sophomoric conversations about the human body.

Real Housewives of Miami: Skyscrapers of Reality TV

Skyscrapers: They’re over the top, they make up cities’ skylines, nobody wants to live next to them, and they’re a lot like Bravo’s Real Housewives. The amount of TV “real estate” that all the Real Housewives takes up is equivalent to that of a Skyscraper, and they won’t be “For Lease” any time soon.

Melissa Gorga’s tan, Adrienne Maloof’s mansion, and Gretchen Rossi’s bleach blonde wig/extensions/whatever, among other things, have kept so many viewers coming back for more, that Bravo is airing one-three seasons simultaneously year round. The Real Housewives takeover has redefined Reality TV so much, that other channels have successfully tried to delve into the “Housewives” themed reality shows (Basketball Wives, Sister Wives, etc).

One would think that the franchise’s success means that it is indestructible, but, like Skyscrapers, the franchise can crumble. The Real Housewives of New York City’s recent ratings, as well as the first season of Real Housewives of Miami’s lackluster performance, are proof that it is not invincible. It is, however, a well known fact that crumbling Skyscrapers can be repaired.

Despite Real Housewives of Miami’s low ratings, Bravo decided to remodel it. They re-plastered walls, fixed some cracks in the ceilings, oh... and hired a few new side-shows Housewives. In the recently released preview, we get a glimpse of the new and improved Real Housewives of Miami, and it appears that Bravo’s restoration efforts paid off... big time. There’s relationship drama, Elsa Patton (!!!), dramatic dinner parties, and a bitch-slap*! 

Check out the Trailer:

Will you be tuning in to the dramatic Season of RHOM?

*The Writer of this article only condones violence when it is being filmed and edited for Reality TV. Then, and only then, is physical violence “appropriate.”