Real Housewives: Product Placement

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I always wonder how our beloved Real Housewives became so oblivious. They actually mean it when they say "I wanted a platform to promote my cause/business/charity/product/etc." Every person on this planet knows that the only thing taking center stage on the Real Housewives of "Wherever" is the drama... except, apparently, the Housewives themselves.

In a post-Bethenny world, Real Housewives all over the nation seem to think that they too can become multi-million dollar tycoons or philanthropists. Seeing business meetings and infomercial-like interviews about their businesses or charities is now par for the course and it's confusing.

Take Moron of the Day  -- or actually Year (yes, all "265" days of it!) -- Porsha Stewart who made a tragic appearance on the Wendy Williams show. Wendy asked why she would do such a "drama-filled show" given her family's prestigious legacy (her grandfather is Hosea Williams). Her response: "For me, it was important... to be able to have this platform, for me to express what's important to me, and that's my family's foundation: Hosea Feed the Hungry and Homeless. I thought, hey, this can take it nationally. So that's what I decided to use it for."

I searched Porsha Stewart on Google News, and among the headlines were "Kenya Moore and Porsha Stewart's Fight Escalates in Anguilla," (my favorite) "Porsha Stewart has Video Vixen Past," and "Porsha Stewart says Kenya Moore is Envious." Her family's foundation is, unsurprisingly, absent from all the headlines, and it comes as no surprise that it has taken a backseat to the drama that keeps ratings high. I know, Porsha is only one Housewife, and given her penchant for stupid, it's really not a surprise that she didn't think that response through... but Portia isn't the only one suffering from delusion.

Kathy Wakile really thinks we care about her "Dolci Della Dea" Cannoli Kits; Teresa Giudice truly believes that we're bursting through doors to buy Milania Hair Care products (which, by the way, she named after her daughter. How low-rent...); Alexis Bellino assures us that Alexis Couture will be the next Marc Jacobs; Sonja Morgan won't stop talking about a toaster that hasn't even hit shelves yet.

News flash ladies: We don't care! All the products that these women try to hawk are just novelty products with shelf lives -- as soon as the show ends so will the purchases (if they're even being purchased now). In 30-40 years, people are still gonna be drinking Dom Pérignon and Moët, but Ramona Pinot Grigio will be forgotten. 

So why do these women really think they're establishing legitimate brands by joining this show? The only explanation I can think of is because Bethenny turned Skinny Girl into a 128 million dollar business, but she was a diamond among cubic zirconias. It won't happen again. 

What happened to the good old days, when the housewives did the show for the money and fame? Is that any more commendable? Ehh, but it was authentic and realistic. Watching the Housewives talk about their business lives and their array of products has become nauseating. I wish the women would stop trying to be Richard Branson and Martha Stewart* -- leave the innovating and business managing to the ones who know how to do it!


*Take note ladies: You would never see Martha Stewart or Richard Branson throwing drinks and exchanging blows.... 

Real Housewives: Scholars in their Own Right

Princess, Journalist, and Real Housewife Carole Radziwill recently tweeted a link to an article that made me think:

@CaroleRadziwill “‘Which network boasts the most affluent, educated and engaged audience in cable? Did you guess Bravo?’ bit.ly/N8IiAb”

I wondered why millions of intellectually curious people would continuously tune in to episodes of the Real Housewives (the ultimate trash tv) every week. Intellectual Turn-Offs are abundant in this series, but is it possible that there are hidden gems of powerful knowledge beneath the show’s superficial surface? Surprisingly, yes! Here’s a list of 5 housewives whose experiences provide fodder for their intellectually curious audience:

1) Alexis Bellino: Alexis, an expert in Religious Studies, constantly preaches the Christian gospel as she sees it on her blog. The Christian Warrior/Hero has been dubbed “Jesus Juggz” and “Jesus Barbie” because of her vivacious style, but her wardrobe is a PSA for Jesus, so she has nothing to be ashamed of. She believes that her risqué clothing selections “brought so many girls back to the Lord because they didn't realize you could go to church and dress like this." God loves you Lex! Religious viewers can learn a lot from Alexis Bellino, the Lords unofficial Recruitment Agent/Style Expert.

2) Kelly Bensimon: Kelly recently penned her book, I Can Make You Hot, which, according to her, is about, “Mid-Western values, eating well, living well, enjoying the life that you have because life is really really short.” She gives readers helpful advice like, have 2 oranges and coffee for breakfast (that’ll make you want to get out of bed), “drink water, not seltzer, actually water,” and wear jeans that are too small because they’ll make you look thinner (Oh is that what they do in Missouri?!). I would call her a Health/Nutrition expert, but in Kelly’s own words, “I’m not a nutritionist, and umm, you know, I don’t really know much about you know health and fitness, I just do what works for me.” So she makes things up, but she’s a former supermodel, so she’s legit.

3) Teresa Giudice: Teresa is a financial savant whose knowledge of all things money-related rivals that of Suze Orman. Teresa was known for her frugal spending habits on Season 1 of RHONJ (she paid $120 thousand dollars in cash to furnish her $5 million “french-chateu” because she “heard the economy was crashing”), so it came as a total shock when she and her husband filed for Bankruptcy in 2010, because they were $11 million dollars in debt. Both were later accused of committing Bankruptcy Fraud by concealing assets such as, a $250 thousand dollar advance for Teresa’s book (Skinny Italian). On the current season of RHONJ, Teresa and Joe are in the process of withdrawing their Bankruptcy Petitions. They are also building a garage complete with a chandelier (which will probably be made of Swarovski Crystals instead of the usual Diamonds in order to save money).

4) Aviva Drescher: Those interested in Physiology will not be disappointed by this Real Housewife of NYC. She had her left leg amputated after losing her foot while playing on a conveyer belt as a kid, and now, she’s giving us helpful behind-the-scenes info on what it’s like to be an incredibly glamorous amputee. On the 1st episode of RHONYC’s 5th season, she revealed that she has two $25 thousand dollar prosthetic legs - one for heels, one for flats (a must for any fabulous amputee). We also learned that the fashionista has to pay for three sets of toenails when she gets pedicures! Hopefully she knows a thing or two about budgeting, if not, she can always ask Financial Expert Teresa Giudice for tips!

5) Phaedra Parks: The Real Housewife of Atlanta and self proclaimed “Vera Wang of Funerals” is an upcoming Mortician. She is currently enrolled in Embalming School proving that a) It’s never too late to go back to school and b) you can never be too fabulous to embalm corpses. Her fascination with “putting the boom in the tomb” may seem creepy, but it has resulted in the creation of many unique funeral concepts for Atlanta’s “high society” (aka Kim Zolciak when Nene Leakes finds out that her show’s ratings were pretty good): Death doesn't seem that bad now that my ashes can be glamorously encased in diamonds!