Real Housewives: Product Placement

Bravotv.com

I always wonder how our beloved Real Housewives became so oblivious. They actually mean it when they say "I wanted a platform to promote my cause/business/charity/product/etc." Every person on this planet knows that the only thing taking center stage on the Real Housewives of "Wherever" is the drama... except, apparently, the Housewives themselves.

In a post-Bethenny world, Real Housewives all over the nation seem to think that they too can become multi-million dollar tycoons or philanthropists. Seeing business meetings and infomercial-like interviews about their businesses or charities is now par for the course and it's confusing.

Take Moron of the Day  -- or actually Year (yes, all "265" days of it!) -- Porsha Stewart who made a tragic appearance on the Wendy Williams show. Wendy asked why she would do such a "drama-filled show" given her family's prestigious legacy (her grandfather is Hosea Williams). Her response: "For me, it was important... to be able to have this platform, for me to express what's important to me, and that's my family's foundation: Hosea Feed the Hungry and Homeless. I thought, hey, this can take it nationally. So that's what I decided to use it for."

I searched Porsha Stewart on Google News, and among the headlines were "Kenya Moore and Porsha Stewart's Fight Escalates in Anguilla," (my favorite) "Porsha Stewart has Video Vixen Past," and "Porsha Stewart says Kenya Moore is Envious." Her family's foundation is, unsurprisingly, absent from all the headlines, and it comes as no surprise that it has taken a backseat to the drama that keeps ratings high. I know, Porsha is only one Housewife, and given her penchant for stupid, it's really not a surprise that she didn't think that response through... but Portia isn't the only one suffering from delusion.

Kathy Wakile really thinks we care about her "Dolci Della Dea" Cannoli Kits; Teresa Giudice truly believes that we're bursting through doors to buy Milania Hair Care products (which, by the way, she named after her daughter. How low-rent...); Alexis Bellino assures us that Alexis Couture will be the next Marc Jacobs; Sonja Morgan won't stop talking about a toaster that hasn't even hit shelves yet.

News flash ladies: We don't care! All the products that these women try to hawk are just novelty products with shelf lives -- as soon as the show ends so will the purchases (if they're even being purchased now). In 30-40 years, people are still gonna be drinking Dom Pérignon and Moët, but Ramona Pinot Grigio will be forgotten. 

So why do these women really think they're establishing legitimate brands by joining this show? The only explanation I can think of is because Bethenny turned Skinny Girl into a 128 million dollar business, but she was a diamond among cubic zirconias. It won't happen again. 

What happened to the good old days, when the housewives did the show for the money and fame? Is that any more commendable? Ehh, but it was authentic and realistic. Watching the Housewives talk about their business lives and their array of products has become nauseating. I wish the women would stop trying to be Richard Branson and Martha Stewart* -- leave the innovating and business managing to the ones who know how to do it!


*Take note ladies: You would never see Martha Stewart or Richard Branson throwing drinks and exchanging blows.... 

Heather Thomson Hates Your Penis

Real Housewife Heather Thomson

Male Circumcision:  It’s a polarizing and controversial subject that, no matter what side of the debate one lies on (I won't disclose my feelings), holds a lot of cultural, social, and religious value. But what exactly does foreskin removal have to do with Real Housewives of New York’s Heather Thomson? 

On the September 17th episode, viewers were treated to a bar-side conversation (that was absolutely not cliché) between cast members Heather Thomson and Carole Radziwill about Penises. Viewers got to watch Heather behave like a High-School Sophomore, and reduce this hot-button issue into a matter of superficiality.

"It looks great when you're 25!"

It's perplexing that a woman whose job is all about “making women look and feel their best. Holla!” had no problem insinuating that male genitalia, in its natural state, is ugly or disgusting. She’s like a Starburst Commercial.

Obviously, Heather is entitled to her own opinion, but, given that only about 30% of the global male population  is circumcised, it is nothing short of irresponsible to speak so casually and negatively about the penises of the other 70%. Also interesting is the contrast between our attitudes regarding male and female circumcision/genitalia. You would never see such a flippant conversation about Vaginas on TV like this one... well, maybe in the U.S.

I found the whole scene cringe-worthy, but not many viewers seem to have noticed... Maybe because the clip was really short, or maybe because Aviva “The Diva” Drescher was ten times more annoying...

Poor 'Vivs

Either way, I think it’s important to begin feeling comfortable discussing the human body, but in an educated, productive way (and without the cameras?). This scene, unfortunately, serves as a painful reminder that Heather Thomson doesn’t like 70% of the world’s penises some of us haven't outgrown these sophomoric conversations about the human body.

Real Housewives of Miami: Skyscrapers of Reality TV

Skyscrapers: They’re over the top, they make up cities’ skylines, nobody wants to live next to them, and they’re a lot like Bravo’s Real Housewives. The amount of TV “real estate” that all the Real Housewives takes up is equivalent to that of a Skyscraper, and they won’t be “For Lease” any time soon.

Melissa Gorga’s tan, Adrienne Maloof’s mansion, and Gretchen Rossi’s bleach blonde wig/extensions/whatever, among other things, have kept so many viewers coming back for more, that Bravo is airing one-three seasons simultaneously year round. The Real Housewives takeover has redefined Reality TV so much, that other channels have successfully tried to delve into the “Housewives” themed reality shows (Basketball Wives, Sister Wives, etc).

One would think that the franchise’s success means that it is indestructible, but, like Skyscrapers, the franchise can crumble. The Real Housewives of New York City’s recent ratings, as well as the first season of Real Housewives of Miami’s lackluster performance, are proof that it is not invincible. It is, however, a well known fact that crumbling Skyscrapers can be repaired.

Despite Real Housewives of Miami’s low ratings, Bravo decided to remodel it. They re-plastered walls, fixed some cracks in the ceilings, oh... and hired a few new side-shows Housewives. In the recently released preview, we get a glimpse of the new and improved Real Housewives of Miami, and it appears that Bravo’s restoration efforts paid off... big time. There’s relationship drama, Elsa Patton (!!!), dramatic dinner parties, and a bitch-slap*! 

Check out the Trailer:

Will you be tuning in to the dramatic Season of RHOM?

*The Writer of this article only condones violence when it is being filmed and edited for Reality TV. Then, and only then, is physical violence “appropriate.”

Mob Wives Chicago: Road to Retirement

Photo Courtesy of Vh1

Mob Wives Chicago is the latest product of VH1's ongoing identity crisis. After the end of their Celebreality Era (Flavor of Love, I Love New York, Charm School, etc.) they promised to class it up, and Mob Wives Chicago is just their way of staying true to their word.

The people at Vh1 (who are most likely mistaking themselves for the people at A&E) have marketed the show as a gritty, crime reality show, but it is really just a bunch of geriatrics - who are/were close to their mobster relatives (or at least pretend to be) - who throw down as if they were the spring chickens on Bad Girls Club.

The July 15th episode got particularly rambunctious when Pia Rizza and Renee "Fecarotta" Russo attacked (watch here) Nora Schweihs at Christina Scoleri's party. Round one was nasty, and I spent most of the time worrying that one of them was going to break a hip, but I should have been prepared for what was to come! Nora decided to "hit" Renee with words rather than fists (which turned out to be a lot less noble than it sounds): "Your father raped you everyday." Consequently, Nora's face received a few blows from Renee's fists. Let's be honest, you would never see anything like this at your local seniors-only fitness center...

Photo Courtesy of Mob Wives Chicago Tumblr

Please don't get me wrong, I'm all for the elderly staying active, but quite frankly, this is physical activity at an extreme level. I think they need to stop boxing each other, subscribe to AARP Magazine and retire from their position as Mobstresses (can they collect Pension for that?).

Dramatic or Tragic?

Photo Courtesy of Starcasm

I recently had the "pleasure" of watching pseudo-dance coach Abbie Lee Miller. Her coaching consists of berating little girls, while another athletic woman teaches them choreography, on the reality show Dance Moms. Although this “guilty pleasure” is called Dance Moms, the dancing comes second to the drama/child abuse, which is pretty much the main appeal of the show. Lifetime even highlights the various screaming matches in their promos - not the dance routines.

Every reality show follows this pattern: Accomplishments, struggles, and generally happy moments are all secondary to the fighting and feuding, and this is taking the pleasure out of some of these “guilty pleasures.”

But why? This isn’t exactly a new phenomenon, so what about this formulaic “strategy” is so annoying? Are certain shows beginning to cross the line? What makes viewers want to stop watching? A morbidly obese woman throwing stools and getting in little girl’s faces definitely does, and this brings up a good point. Abby is what makes the Dance Moms annoying, which demonstrates that people are what make or break reality shows. What they say and do, on or off the show affects the way people think about the show.

Remember the “morally bankrupt” season 2 of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills? Shortly before it began, Taylor Armstrong’s husband, Russell, commited suicide. Taylor’s tale of  their allegedly abusive relationship (which nobody really believed) engulfed the entire season. Taylor Armstrong also released a controversial book (which has an average of 2 stars on amazon) about the abuse/suicide. On top of that, Andy Cohen (who has made himself a really obnoxious part of the Real Housewives franchise) justified all of this by saying:

“He was given the option to not come back or come back and he chose to come back. He had spoken to producers a lot vocally about how it had helped his business being on the show... He signed lengthy contracts explaining what the show was about and he didn't have to go on the show... You can't really blame a television show on a suicide. I think that is a little irresponsible.”

Just because Russell signed a contract doesn’t mean that capitalizing on crazy is okay. While I never actually stopped tuning in (am I just as bad for that?), the fact that everything else on the show was second to the abuse story-line ruined the viewing experience for me (I know... 1st world problem). I couldn’t enjoy the excessive wealth of Beverly Hills or Kyle Richards reminding us how "fabulous” her life is because the fact that Bravo was making more money (more than most people make in a year) by selling their tragic story.

There are no rules for reality, but, in my opinion, Reality TV is supposed to be fun... not corrupt and annoying. I want to be able to laugh, make fun of, and even enjoy some of these talented reality stars without anything weighing too heavily on my conscience (I’m beginning to question my own morality now). Reality TV has always been dramatic, and that's all part of the fun, but I think there needs to be a balance: They need to be dramatic, not tragic.

That being said, everyone has their own "line," so to speak. Some people might have been totally okay with RHOBH Season 2, so I want to know: What Reality Shows have made you tick? Which reality stars have made you feel uncomfortable? Feel free to leave a comment.

Real Housewives: Scholars in their Own Right

Princess, Journalist, and Real Housewife Carole Radziwill recently tweeted a link to an article that made me think:

@CaroleRadziwill “‘Which network boasts the most affluent, educated and engaged audience in cable? Did you guess Bravo?’ bit.ly/N8IiAb”

I wondered why millions of intellectually curious people would continuously tune in to episodes of the Real Housewives (the ultimate trash tv) every week. Intellectual Turn-Offs are abundant in this series, but is it possible that there are hidden gems of powerful knowledge beneath the show’s superficial surface? Surprisingly, yes! Here’s a list of 5 housewives whose experiences provide fodder for their intellectually curious audience:

1) Alexis Bellino: Alexis, an expert in Religious Studies, constantly preaches the Christian gospel as she sees it on her blog. The Christian Warrior/Hero has been dubbed “Jesus Juggz” and “Jesus Barbie” because of her vivacious style, but her wardrobe is a PSA for Jesus, so she has nothing to be ashamed of. She believes that her risqué clothing selections “brought so many girls back to the Lord because they didn't realize you could go to church and dress like this." God loves you Lex! Religious viewers can learn a lot from Alexis Bellino, the Lords unofficial Recruitment Agent/Style Expert.

2) Kelly Bensimon: Kelly recently penned her book, I Can Make You Hot, which, according to her, is about, “Mid-Western values, eating well, living well, enjoying the life that you have because life is really really short.” She gives readers helpful advice like, have 2 oranges and coffee for breakfast (that’ll make you want to get out of bed), “drink water, not seltzer, actually water,” and wear jeans that are too small because they’ll make you look thinner (Oh is that what they do in Missouri?!). I would call her a Health/Nutrition expert, but in Kelly’s own words, “I’m not a nutritionist, and umm, you know, I don’t really know much about you know health and fitness, I just do what works for me.” So she makes things up, but she’s a former supermodel, so she’s legit.

3) Teresa Giudice: Teresa is a financial savant whose knowledge of all things money-related rivals that of Suze Orman. Teresa was known for her frugal spending habits on Season 1 of RHONJ (she paid $120 thousand dollars in cash to furnish her $5 million “french-chateu” because she “heard the economy was crashing”), so it came as a total shock when she and her husband filed for Bankruptcy in 2010, because they were $11 million dollars in debt. Both were later accused of committing Bankruptcy Fraud by concealing assets such as, a $250 thousand dollar advance for Teresa’s book (Skinny Italian). On the current season of RHONJ, Teresa and Joe are in the process of withdrawing their Bankruptcy Petitions. They are also building a garage complete with a chandelier (which will probably be made of Swarovski Crystals instead of the usual Diamonds in order to save money).

4) Aviva Drescher: Those interested in Physiology will not be disappointed by this Real Housewife of NYC. She had her left leg amputated after losing her foot while playing on a conveyer belt as a kid, and now, she’s giving us helpful behind-the-scenes info on what it’s like to be an incredibly glamorous amputee. On the 1st episode of RHONYC’s 5th season, she revealed that she has two $25 thousand dollar prosthetic legs - one for heels, one for flats (a must for any fabulous amputee). We also learned that the fashionista has to pay for three sets of toenails when she gets pedicures! Hopefully she knows a thing or two about budgeting, if not, she can always ask Financial Expert Teresa Giudice for tips!

5) Phaedra Parks: The Real Housewife of Atlanta and self proclaimed “Vera Wang of Funerals” is an upcoming Mortician. She is currently enrolled in Embalming School proving that a) It’s never too late to go back to school and b) you can never be too fabulous to embalm corpses. Her fascination with “putting the boom in the tomb” may seem creepy, but it has resulted in the creation of many unique funeral concepts for Atlanta’s “high society” (aka Kim Zolciak when Nene Leakes finds out that her show’s ratings were pretty good): Death doesn't seem that bad now that my ashes can be glamorously encased in diamonds!